Saturday, April 28, 2012

100 QUESTIONS I WANT TO ASK THE STEP-MONSTER BEFORE HE DIES:

{NOTE: I had promised to post this here earlier, but, well... forgot}

As an intro, I'll say this: "MORELS taste good in omelettes, MORALS are rules for becoming a better human being". This article is about someone who failed to learn the difference.

If frank discussion of abuse is disturbing to you, especially if you've been where I have, or it's still fresh and hurting, I suggest that you do not read this, or, if you want to read SOMETHING, scroll all the way down to the end to read the uplifting bit.

See, I really should not read any fiction where a child is raped, but I do, sometimes not knowing what is in the book until I get partway through it, and then, I HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE FUCKING THING... It's like my own personal train-wreck: I just cannot look the fuck away...

"The Colour Purple", I blame you. Sorry, miss Walker, you wrote a touching and strong book, but it's definitely calling up some baaaaad memories because the situation of the main character mirrors my own in far too many ways, one of which being that the abuser will NOT take ANY responsibility for what he did- won't even apologize, and doesn't have the balls to talk to me when I approached HIM.... *siigh*

Oh, and this article? It's hella long. A lot of these questions have answers I'm pretty certain I already know, and are just rhetorical, but if anyone wants to "answer" them, go right ahead. I actually wrote out most of these questions several months ago during one of my periodic bouts of depression and I've been wanting to post them for a while. Walker's book merely gave me an excuse. LOL

1: When I asked you why you did those things to me, you replied, "you were the closest thing at hand." Do those words ever haunt you? They SHOULD, and I hope they DO.

2: Do your actions to me ever haunt you? They SHOULD, because it's DISGUSTING that you went out of your way to hurt a little child.

3: Are you sure you even KNOW what love is?

4: Have you ever been told that you are probably a sociopath?

5: I'd ask if you knew what 'guilt' was, but you'd probably be a smartass and point me to a dictionary. So I'll ask instead: Have you ever FELT guilt?

6: Do you hate your father for making you live after the accident that nearly killed you as a teen? (his head was nearly severed by a bale of chicken-wire- he now can only speak in a whisper and has a scar running across his throat from side to side. When I discovered that this was a "trait" often given to stereotypical villains in bad adventure novels, I laughed my ass off at the coincidence)- anyone reading this who is part of, or knows, my family will figure out who this refers to easily enough.

7: Are you ever grateful that he died never knowing that you became a child-rapist not even ten years later?

8: How does a supposedly mature, responsible male manage to justify raping an 11 year old girl?

9: What was your thought-process? Because you obviously were able to do it.

10: Did taking me against my will make you feel powerful, like a man?

11: Why was sex so important to you that you couldn't control yourself around a child?

12: Have you raped any OTHER little girls?

13: Have you ever told anyone what you've done?

14: If not, why not? (I'm reasonably certain I know why, but I still wanna hear your "reasons".)

15: Does it bother you that you are a coward and a bully?

16: If you caught someone raping a little girl you found "attractive", would you stop him, or ask to join in, or stop him and fantasize about a grateful little girl giving you what the other rapist was trying to take later?

17: Did you know that when I pissed on you, it was my little revenge? It didn't matter to me that it turned out you liked it.

18: Can you tell me what exactly it was about my 11 year-old, prepubescent body that you found "hot"?

19: I once saw you mention God and the soul. Do you believe that you even HAVE a soul?

20: Do you understand that you are an opportunistic paedophile?

21: Something in you must have understood what you did was wrong- after all, you switched from vaginal rape to anal to keep me from getting pregnant. Did you REALLY care about pregnancy, or was it that you just didn't want to get CAUGHT?

22: Will you EVER take responsibility for what you did in bald, open terms?

23: Would going to prison scare you?

24: You say you aren't afraid of me, but I know different: when I slammed you against the wall and threatened to kill you for what you'd done to me, you were terrified. So, do I STILL scare you? I hope I do.

25: Do you ever have nightmares? Good.

26: Am I in them? I hope so.

27: What would you do if your girlfriend found out you raped me for five years, until I threatened to kill you if you ever did it again?

28: Have you ever REALLY considered suicide, like you once claimed in a letter to my mother? I have, and it's NOT something you use as a ploy to gain sympathy, you dumb fuck- it's a true cry of pain.

29: So, what stopped you? Pussy.

30: You claimed for years that you didn't believe in an afterlife or in God, yet, recently, you mentioned God and the soul, implying that you have since gotten such a belief. Knowing the weight of your crimes may have possible punishment, what do you really think will happen when you finally kick it?

31: Will you mind if I come and piss on your grave whenever I'm in town? My little farewell present to you, since you liked "water-sports" so much. >:D

32: How fast do you think your family and friends would abandon you if they found out what a totally selfish, self-serving, people-using SCUM-BAG you were?

33: Will you accept it as your "just desserts" along with the one working lung, diabetes and the psoriasis? (If family-members don't know who I'm talking about by now, I could just name the little pustule)

34: I don't believe in God- the existence of people like you ensured that, but I do believe in something like Karma. How does it make you feel to know that I smile whenever I hear about another illness, setback or bad break happening to you?

35: When did you break down so badly as a human being that you'd be OK with stepping over the line from simply being physically abusive (bad enough on it's own) to being a rapist?

36: How can you possibly say "I love you" and "don't tell your mother" in the same breath?

37: How can you possibly say "I love you" to a little girl you'd just raped? Just because I didn't RESIST you doesn't mean I was willing OR that I enjoyed it. You had already made sure to train me NOT to resist to begin with!

38: What would you feel if I told you that I can't have sex like a healthy human being, even now, nearly thirty years later? To this day, I can't do certain things without seeing YOUR ugly face.

39: How do you manage to survive the onslaught of my hate? Dammit, if thoughts COULD kill, you'd have been a pink smear on some wall a million times over!

40: Do you know how many times I've plotted your MURDER?

41: Do you know how many of my relationships fell apart because I couldn't/wouldn't have sex?

42: Do you know, or care, that I blame YOU?

43: Do you care about ANYTHING other than what YOU want?

44: Did you know, of all the things I regret, the biggest one is not finding the stones to report you to CFS when I went to them to BEG them to take me away?

45: Do you have any fucking idea what being afraid all the time feels like? Maybe I should TEACH you.

46: Did you know that you don't call someone you love a "stupid cunt"? When you called me that, Mum stepped in and chewed you out, one of the only times I remember her EVER defending me. I still treasure that moment. Go Mom!

47: What's it like in your fucked up head?

48: Do you find it ironic that you'd beat me for drawing monsters, yet, you were the one who introduced me to them? (he got me into horror comics and really bad, violent horror novels, then beat on me if I drew vampires or werewolves, 'cuz he thought I was "obsessed" with them! Twit)

49: When will you do the decent thing and confess to the world what filth you really are and take the consequences at long last?

50: Knowing how abusive behaviour tends to run in families and that it sometimes drops in severity down the generations, if what YOU did to ME was your idea of fair, what did GRANDPA do to YOU?

51: If your childhood was anything like I suspect, do you know that this would be the ONLY reason I'd pity you?

52: By the way, did you learn your "winning ways with women" from your father?

53: Did you know that your brothers were as fucked up as you were? One asked me to suck his dick when I was 8, telling me it tasted like honey (I refused) and the other was just a bastard who picked on us when we were kids, even dumping a bowl of hot porridge in my little brother's lap. Mom still has a scar under her eye where he punched her and bounced her head off some plywood stacked against the hallway wall from one of Grandpa's many never-finished "projects".

54: Did grandpa rape your sisters? Maybe that's where you learned that it was OK for daddies to rape their daughters.

55: Do you have any fucking CLUE how fucked up our whole stupid FAMILY was?

56 Are you afraid of dying?

57: Are you afraid of LIVING?

58: Are you afraid of what will happen if you were to own up to what you did?

59: Did you know that I can still remember your smell? Yeasty and cloying, with an undertone of auto-paint.

60: Did you know that memories flood back whenever I SMELL auto-enamel paint?

61: Why were you such a SELFISH little prick?

62: Do you know that I coined the term "button boy" to describe your little prick- the way your penis disappears into your pubic hair, leaving only the tip and the ring of what's left of your foreskin showing? Even your COCK is ashamed to be seen in public! It has more of a conscience than YOU do!

63: Do you know that I find it laughable that you thought you could TEACH me ANYTHING about sex, except how NOT to do it? You were probably the most self-centred, stuck on himself, unskilled lay I've ever "had". Yes, you SUCK IN BED. Ewww, I went there...

64: What would you do, if I came over and kicked you in the balls, right NOW?

65: Did you know I used you for money during lean times? I figured that since you TREATED me like a cheap whore that I should CHARGE you like one. At least then, I'd get SOMETHING out of it other than a whoppingly huge sense of self-hatred... I once calculated that you owed me at least fifty grand over a period of five years... You still owe at LEAST 40K, pal- should I demand that you pay up?

66: Did you know, that in a perverse way, I'm GRATEFUL to you? You showed me EXACTLY what to avoid in a man and what warning-signs to look for to avoid being hurt again and prevent myself from getting involved with a possible paedophile. Thanks. I mean it.

67: Would it matter for you to know that, despite my passionate desire to flay the skin from your bones, I'll NEVER actually physically hurt you? I think life is doing a fine job of that already. Hope you're having fun living on one LUNG, asshole.

68: When you found out a family friend had also been sexually abusing me, you were furious enough to punch me in the belly for it. You didn't do anything to the family FRIEND, you attacked ME instead. AND it didn't stop you from raping me, either... Was it a jealousy/territorial thing, ya big ape?

69: Did you know I hated "69"-ing with you? I hate doing that with anyone else, too, thanks to you, you stupid bastard.

70: Did you know that you had the smallest penis of any guy I ever slept with? I still laugh at that. Big man, itty bitty joystick. Typical.

71: What went through your tiny little mind after you read the question about your tiny little penis?

72: How do you feel knowing that every one of my friends, lovers, even ENEMIES, knows what you did?

73: Want me to tell you how MANY of those friends and lovers have offered to KILL you for me? Hint: ALL of them. Even some of my ENEMIES offered their services.

74: Do you know that I haven't been scared of you since I threatened to kill you that day in my hallway?

75: And that I consider that day a pivotal moment in my healing?

76: How can you love someone you have no respect for? By saying that I "was the closest thing at hand" you pretty much told me everything I needed to know: women are holes for god-like you to stick his dick into.

77: Does it bother you to know that I'LL NEVER, EVER, EVER FUCKING FORGIVE YOU FOR CALLING ME A THING?

78: No matter how much you whine, beg, or plead?

79: What would you do if I posted this where all your friends and family could see, like I'm doing, RIGHT NOW?

80: What do you think they'd do, or say?

81: Did you know that the very idea of sex, with anyone, often made me feel physically ill?

82: Do you know that I think your pasty white skin, bizarre beard, funky scent and piggish nose make you seem like a parody of a human being? In other words, you're a fucking JOKE to me.

83: What went through your mind every time you made me CRY? *glares*

84: Or when I gagged and barfed in your lap after you made me swallow?

85: Did you know that I can't give a blow-job without gagging and seeing/smelling you? This was one of the things that killed a few of my relationships, as mentioned before. Yeah, some men are fucking pigs, to drop me because I wouldn't suck them off.

86: Did you know, or even care, that I had to fight to keep from cringing any time you touched me in public because in some warped way, I was trying to protect our family from pointy questions?

87: Did you realize that I pretended to be asleep when you came to my room at night? I didn't sleep much at night- I spent five years on less than four hours of sleep a night to AVOID you. Imagine my disgust when you tried to have sex with me ANYWAY. As if I needed any more proof that my body was just a convenience for you... Scum-bag.

88: What went through your mind when I told you I would kill you if you ever touched me again?

89: How scared were you when I finally told MOM what you'd been doing?

90: Do scared, bruised, crying little girls turn you on?

91: Did you know that I "divorced" myself from the human race because I kept MEETING people like YOU? We "re-married"- me and the human race are happier, now. I realized that I should have divorced YOU and anyone LIKE you from humanity, not myself.

92: Why is it not a surprise that I gag at the smell of cum?

93: Why did I feel guilty just for EXISTING when it was YOU who committed the crime? I remember the bruises, cuts, the lumps on my scalp from being hung by my hair...

94: Were YOU ever sexually abused? If so, I am SO sorry you had to go through that- I'm NOT being sarcastic, either. NO ONE should go through that, not even you.

95: If you were, how could you EVER put anyone ELSE through that?

96: If you were not, how could you possibly be so lacking in compassion as to do that to me?

97: Have you EVER felt sympathy for another being in pain?

98: Why wouldn't it surprise me to find out you haven't?

99: What is it like to be so disconnected from anything human?

100: And last, but not least: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?

Now people might have an idea as to just how much, and why, I despise incest and cub-porn "fetishes", and why I have real trouble seeing anyone who gets off on stuff like that as anything but the kind of fucked up you can only fix with a knife to the throat. I'm not normally a violent person, despite all the talk of doing violent acts- it's just that things like this fill me with such rage, that it's hard for me to think straight. I've actually had visions of myself going to prison one day for beating to death anyone I caught raping a child (or ANYONE, for that matter)... Though I like to think that my answer to the question "what are you in for" would be guaranteed to make even the hardest of criminals back up.

Anyone who has gone through this or worse, I am so sorry for your pain. Know that someone else understands, doesn't judge you or think you're weak, or worthless or small for not being able to fight them off. You were a child- you were an easy target. It was NEVER your fault. Please don't tell yourself that it was. You've survived this long- that means you're STRONGER THAN YOU THINK. Keep fighting, know that it ends if you allow it to. YOU can make it stop, both the abuse and the memories it leaves behind. The memories are nothing more than the ghost of the one who hurt you, trying to keep a hold on you- cut yourself free. Know that you will eventually meet someone who knows that real love doesn't exploit, doesn't rape, doesn't confuse fear with respect, doesn't beat on you, or drive your friends away or keep you from seeing them, or tell lies about you, or keep you imprisoned, isn't jealous, isn't controlling and isn't demanding that you be less than him/her at all times.

Love is trust. Love is sharing that trust. Love is beautiful. Love is finding beauty, even in a mud-hole. Love is compassion and sympathy. Love is truth. Love is being able to kiss when you awaken, despite morning-breath that could kill a Tauntaun. Love is being able to let go when things don't work out. Love is being willing to be vulnerable- trust again. Love is knowing that s/he will be there when you need them. Love is fun. Love has no fear. Love gives YOU power. Love can change your world into something better. Love sees age as beauty, no matter how run down you may actually look. Love destroys an abusers' power. Love can say "I'm sorry" and MEAN it. Love grows, even in the darkest places. Love is a painkiller. Love can end, but the memories it leaves behind are always treasured.


LOVE is what saves your soul, not god.

Love is meeting another soul and being able to say "I understand".

Oh, yeah, and a certain special someone got this in his in-box.  I did it the weekend of his birthday: April 1st- Day of the Fool, and he is, above all, a fool..

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